Friday, September 21, 2007

Sven, I’m 6 to 4

Political correctness is an admirable concept. I warmly applaud any school of thought that helps keep Jim Davidson off the telly.

But while the PC philosophy is sound in theory; in reality, it’s beginning to spiral out of control. My youngest won’t be allowed to compete in his school’s sports day this year, as the headmistress frowns upon the notion of ‘losing’. Even fun events like the three-legged race have been cancelled, for fear of offending the McCartneys.

The policy-makers fail to realise the importance of competition. If i play ‘I Spy’ with little Goliath, and I can’t get the answer, I ground him for two weeks. There’s an important lesson here, if there are no winners in life, we may as well all pack up and move to Scotland.

The insanity of PC has also reached the catering industry. Some bright spark decided to change the name of a popular pudding to ‘Spotted Richard’ in order to ‘protect’ the bashful. There’s nothing amusing about ‘Spotted Dick’, but then again, it was my own fault for meeting up with Ulrika.

Sven Goran Eriksson has been there and done that, and I expect the smooth Swede to put up another fine performance away from home. Most bookmakers have Fulham as warm favourites for the visit of Manchester City, but I make this an each-of-two match. This one could really go either way; I’ll play the draw at 9/4.

The PC brigade have also demanded that ‘gingerbread men’ are renamed ‘gingerbread people’, to avoid upsetting the sensitive biscuit. Steve Coppell has the gingerest team ever put together outside of Ireland; I’ll be seeing red if Reading fail to do the business against Wigan at 6/5.

I’m going to have to try to adapt to this new PC environment. After all, if you can’t beat ‘em, Stan Collymore will lose all interest.

Mark Viduka is not fat, he’s merely got tremendous upper body strength. Newcastle look a touch big at 11/10 to see off the Hammers.

While Arsene Wenger was waxing lyrical over his in-form team, he used the phrase ‘very playerish’. As far as I’m aware, that doesn’t actually exist, like ‘bouncebackability’ or ‘a G-spot’. I can definitely find 1/6 for an Arsenal win over Derby.

I’m certainly not a philatelist, but i believe that Roy Keane has an impressive stamp collection. The 11/10 for a Middlesbrough win over Sunderland sticks out like Alf-Inge Haaland’s knee.

They say that curiosity killed the cat, but I refuse to rule out the McCanns at this stage. I’m seriously looking in to the 13/10 for an Aston Villa win over Everton.

I fancy Blackburn at 10/11 to win at home to Portsmouth. With Bentley, Dunn and Savage in the side, the Rovers definitely have the tools to get the result.

I hope that Pascal Chimbonda wins his race to be fit to face Bolton; he was reportedly a little bunged up. A Tottenham win is in the bag at 8/5.

Sir Alex has reported Liverpool to the Premier League for allegedly making an illegal approach to Gabriel Heinze. How surprising, someone’s getting tapped-up and a Sweaty and a bunch of Scousers are on the scene. I’m going to be all over the 1/4 for a Liverpool win over Birmingham.

A run of three matches without a win was enough for Roman Abramovich to sack Jose Mourinho. It would be fair to say that Jose’s eggs have been well and truly poached; probably by Liverpool. Manchester United are now unmissable at 5/4 against a shell-shocked Chelsea.

Peter Crouch is reportedly seething as a result of becoming a bit-part player at Anfield. One might say it’s a case of PC gone mad; if one was a pretentious nause.

My level of confidence in the 13/1 accer of Liverpool, Middlesbrough, Tottenham and Manchester United is so high; I’m going to recommend that we all bet like men. On reflection, perhaps we ought to bet like non-specific gender-neutrals.

Copyright (c) Gerry McDonnell & soccerphile.com

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